Saturday, January 12, 2013

6.entry: Friends for(not)ever

This is how you survive the trauma, not by knowing it will be alright, but by having no other choice!

So today`s topic will be a little bit more personal and not so cheerful, but quite true. You know how you say: "Friends forever, I will love you to death", (yeah if you don't stab me in the back first). People come and go, I get that, but do not say something if you fo not mean it!

                                                                  Cheryl - A Million Lights

It has been a hard week behind me, a lot of stress at work and in school and also in my personal life. It is just some people, they make you feel like you are disposable to them and fuck it, I say. I know they say that if you do good, it will come back at ya, but I am still waiting and my patience is wearing out.
I mean you get to the point of the relationship with someone where you ask yourself, what good am I getting from this person? I feel like I am investing a lot, my physical and mental energy and what I get in return - ignorance and careless attitude.
It is making me furious how some people can be so selfish, and it is hard for me to understand that they are incapable of actually thinking how they will make other person feel.
Sometimes I just feel like I am too nice to everybody, I just wanna believe there is good in everybody. No matter what, I will keep on searching for it. It is so easy to say I love you to a friend, but to actually show it, yeah that is another story, with not so happy ending.
I have been through fair share of broken friendships and forgotten memories, and I can tell you for a fact that pretending you are not hurt is not going to do you any good. Sometimes it is better to admit to yourself that you got screwed and well just deal with it. Cuz sooner or later you will have to deal with it. If not you will stay in this funk and it will be hard to trust somebody again soon. I do not take this true friendship so lightly. I have friends that I hang out with just because it is fun and to enjoy myself, and then I have friends I trust and talk to, about my issues and life in general. So if you are in the 2. group then you need to be careful and not let me down.

I get attached pretty quickly and you don't need to get me drunk for me to open up to somebody, but lately I have been feeling a bit closed up, cuz I don't feel like people actually care how I am feeling. I am not talking about everyone I know, just in case some of my friends are reading this so they will not take offense. It is just I have expectations from my friends, and lately they keep on disappointing me. Should I lower my expectations or should they try harder. I am not asking for a lot, just some honesty and affection. Is this too much to ask for? So many times I put other`s needs ahead of mine, and when the roles are reversed I find myself on the bottom of my friend`s to do list. It is not fair. You can not just take, take, take and give nothing back. Some people are too opportunistic to have real friends, they see you as a gold mine, and they take and dig for the gold, and when you are empty they close the door and move to another "gold mine". And that is what I was to some people. A damn gold mine.

Many people who were my friends and we were really close, and then I introduced them to some other people I knew, and you know what? They became best friends and totally ditched me and that left me so hurt and broken. Literally I was shocked how somebody can just leave you for a person you introduced him/her to. I get that you become friends, but to cancel on me now because of this, have you ever though about how I will be feeling about all this? If you haven't, then what was our friendship all about? It is hard for me to write this, but it is honestly one of the biggest fears I have, to be left. I am afraid one day I will wake up and my friend will be like, "yeah we are done now." And it has happened before, that is why I am writing all this. I can not be around people who are making this relationship so insecure and fragile. If you are going to let me down, then do it easily, don't just cut me off like this. But nevertheless, that is life. Lesson learned. I guess.

So that was kind of liberating, now at least you know my fear and my weakness. It is just that, I got familiar with goodbyes, and sometimes goodbye is a good thing, it is a way for us to start again. We just have to find that good in goodbye (first 4 letters of the word =D) and we will be alright. We need to just deal with goodbyes and not be afraid of them, because the chances are they will not stop and we will be left with another new beginning. And it is up to us, how we will start and more importantly when.

                                                         Madonna - The Power Of Goodbye

So this is my thought on friends forever. It happens you know, you meet the wrong person, get to attached and then you are left with a broken heart. But it gets healed. So that is all forgotten now.
What I want now, is to thank all my friends, they know who they are, for being there and just for loving me. =D I know super cheesy, but I am a firm believer that sometimes it is good to show emotions and to show appreciation for others and to let them know how they make you feel.!

Stay true to yourself and mean what you say!
Lots of love. xoxo

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