Saturday, January 12, 2013

6.entry: Friends for(not)ever

This is how you survive the trauma, not by knowing it will be alright, but by having no other choice!

So today`s topic will be a little bit more personal and not so cheerful, but quite true. You know how you say: "Friends forever, I will love you to death", (yeah if you don't stab me in the back first). People come and go, I get that, but do not say something if you fo not mean it!

                                                                  Cheryl - A Million Lights

It has been a hard week behind me, a lot of stress at work and in school and also in my personal life. It is just some people, they make you feel like you are disposable to them and fuck it, I say. I know they say that if you do good, it will come back at ya, but I am still waiting and my patience is wearing out.
I mean you get to the point of the relationship with someone where you ask yourself, what good am I getting from this person? I feel like I am investing a lot, my physical and mental energy and what I get in return - ignorance and careless attitude.
It is making me furious how some people can be so selfish, and it is hard for me to understand that they are incapable of actually thinking how they will make other person feel.
Sometimes I just feel like I am too nice to everybody, I just wanna believe there is good in everybody. No matter what, I will keep on searching for it. It is so easy to say I love you to a friend, but to actually show it, yeah that is another story, with not so happy ending.
I have been through fair share of broken friendships and forgotten memories, and I can tell you for a fact that pretending you are not hurt is not going to do you any good. Sometimes it is better to admit to yourself that you got screwed and well just deal with it. Cuz sooner or later you will have to deal with it. If not you will stay in this funk and it will be hard to trust somebody again soon. I do not take this true friendship so lightly. I have friends that I hang out with just because it is fun and to enjoy myself, and then I have friends I trust and talk to, about my issues and life in general. So if you are in the 2. group then you need to be careful and not let me down.

I get attached pretty quickly and you don't need to get me drunk for me to open up to somebody, but lately I have been feeling a bit closed up, cuz I don't feel like people actually care how I am feeling. I am not talking about everyone I know, just in case some of my friends are reading this so they will not take offense. It is just I have expectations from my friends, and lately they keep on disappointing me. Should I lower my expectations or should they try harder. I am not asking for a lot, just some honesty and affection. Is this too much to ask for? So many times I put other`s needs ahead of mine, and when the roles are reversed I find myself on the bottom of my friend`s to do list. It is not fair. You can not just take, take, take and give nothing back. Some people are too opportunistic to have real friends, they see you as a gold mine, and they take and dig for the gold, and when you are empty they close the door and move to another "gold mine". And that is what I was to some people. A damn gold mine.

Many people who were my friends and we were really close, and then I introduced them to some other people I knew, and you know what? They became best friends and totally ditched me and that left me so hurt and broken. Literally I was shocked how somebody can just leave you for a person you introduced him/her to. I get that you become friends, but to cancel on me now because of this, have you ever though about how I will be feeling about all this? If you haven't, then what was our friendship all about? It is hard for me to write this, but it is honestly one of the biggest fears I have, to be left. I am afraid one day I will wake up and my friend will be like, "yeah we are done now." And it has happened before, that is why I am writing all this. I can not be around people who are making this relationship so insecure and fragile. If you are going to let me down, then do it easily, don't just cut me off like this. But nevertheless, that is life. Lesson learned. I guess.

So that was kind of liberating, now at least you know my fear and my weakness. It is just that, I got familiar with goodbyes, and sometimes goodbye is a good thing, it is a way for us to start again. We just have to find that good in goodbye (first 4 letters of the word =D) and we will be alright. We need to just deal with goodbyes and not be afraid of them, because the chances are they will not stop and we will be left with another new beginning. And it is up to us, how we will start and more importantly when.

                                                         Madonna - The Power Of Goodbye

So this is my thought on friends forever. It happens you know, you meet the wrong person, get to attached and then you are left with a broken heart. But it gets healed. So that is all forgotten now.
What I want now, is to thank all my friends, they know who they are, for being there and just for loving me. =D I know super cheesy, but I am a firm believer that sometimes it is good to show emotions and to show appreciation for others and to let them know how they make you feel.!

Stay true to yourself and mean what you say!
Lots of love. xoxo

Sunday, January 6, 2013

5.entry: The only Constant thing in life is Change."

We have to adapt and overcome, that is all we can do!

Hello my dear readers, so I am back from holidays with new topics and new strength.
First of all, I would like to wish everybody happy New Year and all the best for the future, which I believe is gonna be as bright as the sun itself. So I have put my bottle down and sober myself up so I can write a new post.

And what better topic to break into new year, then change. So like I wrote in the headline. Change is the only constant thing in life and I personally find this quote (by Heraclitus) amazing because well constant and change have the opposite meanings but here we see that change is the only constant. It is a good word play, that is what I am trying to say. Anyways everything changes, and no matter how hard it is, we need to adapt to change and accept it. Because no matter how much we can try, we cannot reverse the nature and so we need to adapt to whatever comes our way. 
Old people are so fond of saying: "Oh dear, these computer are so weird and the Internet is non understandable". Come on, I know you have not grown up with this kind of technology, but at some point you need to stop complaining and just get on with life and try to use what smart people are offering you, because it will make your life easier.
And constantly I hear people complain about all sorts of changes, if change is good you should shut you mouth and start adapting. Because the sooner you get on the case, the sooner you will exceed.

Do you think it is easy for caterpillar to change into a butterfly. Probably not, because I can not imagine how it would feel to grow wings. But in order for it to fly, it needs to change and start a new life. Remember the sky is the limit.

Nothing stays the same, if you do not believe me, look at your childhood pictures and tell me if you haven't changed? We grow but not just in height but also mentally and personally, but how do we tell if the change was good or bad?

Here is me, changing throughout the years.

Big difference right!

So how do we know if the personal change we have been through is good or bad? Well people will tell you for sure, you just have to figure out who to listen to. When I was in elementary school one teacher told me that after the summer break I have changed, but not entirely for good. So I was worried, what happened to me? What did she mean by that? And I am thankful to her, because everytime I see the change in me, I ask myself: "Is this the person I want to become?" And then if not, serious actions have to be taken.

And I feel sometimes we all should take a moment to reflect on ourselves, and look for mistakes and cracks in the mirror due to changes we have been through. And just ask yourself: "Am I proud on who I have become? Is this the person I wanna be? Am I on the right track to being the best I can?" I feel some soul searching is necessary after a new years, like the champagne at midnight, just to have a closure after the whole year of dealing with stuff.
I think we can never change back to the person we were before, is it like with the butterfly story, even if he would to tear off his wings, he would never be a caterpillar once again. So like I said adapt to the change and start growing with it. Only with growing we can keep up with the world.
Sometimes you even have to run faster and faster to stay at the same place, it is funny I know but so true.
 ( also called The Red Queen effect - from Alice in the Wonderland)

Tiger will not change it`s stripes for anybody. What I mean by that is, that the change inside us can not be forced on us, it happens when we grow and experience different things in life. So we can not change if somebody asks us to, nor should be, because it should happen on our own accord and you can lose the meaning of it, if you will change for somebody else. Basically you need to find that balance to stay true to who you are, and adapt to the world around you in order to survive and succeed.

 If you are one of the influential people then you can change the world how ever you want to, but does not mean you should if it is not for the better. So a big shout out to all the people who are using their influence for good causes.

So with there I will leave you to go stare in the mirror and ask yourself who you are and how have you changed!
So remember be brave and adaptable, be a "tiger" to survive and a "butterfly" in order to fly. 

Now I will share with you a piece of really good music from an upcoming band. Enjoy and goodbye for now.